I am so tired of lying to myself. I am so tired of being so NERVOUS to speak. I am so tired of living this way. Hush, baby, don’t you say it out loud.
Maybe I shouldn’t try to be so perfect all the time. Maybe that would help. I love life. (lie) I love the idea of college (lie) I love the warmth of his arms (lie) I love the idea of being around them all the time (lie).
I AM NOT JEALOUS… (lie)
I have goosebumps, it’s hard for me to breathe. I am okay. (Lie)
This seems to be going great. (LIE)
Nothing in life seems to be going okay. I am scared to say anything, and I know if I continue to go on like this, things will explode. In the past, I knew that if I just kept my mouth shut, things will be fine. Now, I know that all seventeen years of doing that is leading me to the point where I am now.
I don’t necessarily agree with the things I have done in the past. It has led me to be where I am today, 100%. Broken, confused, and in denial.
I am almost an adult. I have 6 months to make a decision to grow up or stay rotting in this hole I have dug for myself.
I have been reverting to a old habit of mine, which is putting my earbuds in and avoiding all things bothering me.
I am trying to be successful in life, making people proud. But I guess I just need to focus on myself and figure out things on my own.
Make myself proud.
Isn't that selfish of me though?